December 1

The best thing that happened to me yesterday was that I started reading Profiles in Courage by John F. Kennedy. I made time for it, in spite of other responsibilities and demands, and am glad I did.

It is striking how little has changed in politics today. And I wonder - must do research - if there are politicians who could be profiled in an updated version of this book or if our best heroes are only found in the pages of history.

Confession: I have constant anxiety over where I am, what I'm doing and who I should be. I rarely relax - or it is a 'faux' relaxation of watching TV, reading a book, when my mind is unsettled. I want to get to that point again where I am living 'down here' - relaxed and confident and comfortable, versus 'up here' - shoulders tense and jaw clenched.

I spend too much time on things that aren't worthy of my attention. I don't spend enough time on things that truly inspire me or make me feel good/happy. This is entirely my fault and I am working on it.

It feels like this is a start in the right direction - writing again. Although we'll see if I stick with it. There was a major event recently that has upended life here - we lost Gromit. I am still trying to discern how much of my grief is truly around the loss of our dog (who was a joy to us and had a great, long life followed by a necessary, not tragic death) or how much of it is around the transition of my life from a younger/youngish feeling/acting person to older middle-aged woman living with the choices she's made, good and bad. My therapist will say it is both, with more of the grief to the latter. But I don't know. Yet.

I do know that I must take action in order to make the most of my time left here. Do something meaningful. I've had more than enough sitting around a bar drinking - this is not how I want to spend my time. Numb and buzzed - living only for the memory of the last good time or looking forward to the next. That's not me.
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I am listening to: Nothing
I am reading: Profiles in Courage
And I am: Tense