Day Six

She's having a tough time today. It's normal, I'm sure.

You can be at peace with it one day and you can be really sad and remorseful the next.

It's all so cliched, but it's surreal - there are moments when it feels like a really bad dream. The only reason I know it's not, is because even in my dreams I am crying now. It's a veritable nightmare, awake and asleep.

My therapist - who is a comfort and a blessing - was very helpful today. I mentioned wanting my parents to come here to Illinois for a visit, since they haven't been out for their annual trip. They usually stay three or four weeks. It's wonderful.

"I didn't know that last summer could be their last time here."

"Will having your parents visit one more time change anything? It won't change the excellent memories you've already made. We can't live our lives as a hedge against future tragedy."

A dark thought today: Maybe Mom will decide against the radiation treatment. It is inconceivable, but it's her choice.
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I don't want this. I don't want this. I don't want this.
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Mom says "Hedy, what would I do without you?"

And I think "What will I do without YOU?"
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I am reading: Hitch 22
I am listening to: Quiet house sounds
And I am: Not doing very well myself actually