The Third Day of the Rest of Your Life

"With this type of tumor, you have about three months without treatment and three to six months with treatment."

Da says: What? Did you say 36 months?

"No, three to six months."

You don't hear much after that. So you call the doctor the next morning, just to be sure, since he's talking about your Mom.

You said three months without treatment and three to six months with treatment. Is that right?

"Yes. Three to six months is average. It's rare to see patients last more than a year with this."

Okay. Got it. Thank you.
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The fact is, I knew the night before. I knew because when you Google "Lung cancer metastatic brain stem" the answer is right there.

Three to six months.

I tell Eric. We've gotta get together on this, we've gotta figure this out because it's bad, REALLY BAD.

And he says you can't believe everything on the Internet and I say I know, you can't. And I hope hope hope he's right.

Because I'd rather be realistic and wrong, than unrealistic and wrong.
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So it isn't like last time, with the lung. Zap zap zap with the radiation and it's gone.

It isn't like last time at all because her eyesight is failing and she's using a walker and a neurosurgeon carved back eight inches of her scalp to install a shunt to drain the spinal fluid that would normally flow where the tumor is.

And there's the home care nurse. And the physical therapist. And the social worker.

Words like palliative care and hospice.

And a goddamn chair in the shower.
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Doctors don't say three to six months if they don't mean it.

So during your stronger moments, when you're not crying, you start telling relatives and friends and neighbors. This was the worst:

"Not her. NOT HER."
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Then, when you realize all this crying is for yourself and how much you'll miss her and how the hell will you live without her and you're NOT crying for the unspeakable hell your Mom can expect over the next three to six months as the tumor takes away her ability to walk, swallow and breathe, well...well something shifts.

She says she wants to laugh and have fun and make some good memories. We will do that. I will make sure we do that.

I just don't know how yet.
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I am listening to: Nothing
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Figuring it out